brain lightning!
taking steps is easy. standing still is hard.

the truth is, I really haven’t been sad. not for months. there’s no time for it.

when David died, the world stopped for a bit… or rather, there was this bubble around me… and anything close enough to me or my life slowed down dramatically for a few weeks.

I was really sad. and I was overwhelmed in a way that was new. death of a parent. and not just a death… it was very heartbreaking and tragic… one of those deaths you knew was creeping closer all the time, but you didn’t know when the shit would actually hit the fan… so you kept taking steps. kept doing Life. and then It happens, and you have to stand still for a bit. and while you stand still, you vaguely notice the little things about how Life isn’t what your normal day-to-day has dictated… it’s bigger. it’s heavier. you feel how your insides must be a space where black holes are born and Big Bangs happen… it’s too big in there. and suddenly the world is what’s small, and you’re lost in your own inner-ness. standing still. floating. helpless. gravity is a shrinking ball that’s very far away…

then you SNAP back into Life like a rubberband that got launched forward… job. bills. walk dogs. clean. laundry. shop. things. because you have to.

five weeks after David died, my mother broke her hip. she is too young for this. she is also too small and too frail. she has been moving and taking steps for years and years on end. family members dying, family falling apart, Life things that demand attention, Care-taker mode always. stay moving stay moving stay moving… don’t stop because all of these things are hard and unhappy and hurt… then her hip breaks. she is standing still. no choice. and I am an only child, and now I have to stand still, too. and now we are both in the bubble. and it’s so much bigger in the bubble than it is anywhere else. the black holes start again and Life isn’t normal… not even close. the previous heartbreak of losing a parent now has to be shelved, even before it can be determined what to do with it… there’s no time for mourning. now there’s an emergency. and different worry. and a different sadness… one that can’t be shown because you have to be hopeful and positive because the attitude is going to be key now and just like this run-on sentence you have to find a way to move forward again even though you’re really still in that bubble but if you can just keep your mind focused on a forward motion maybe Forward will happen because what choice is there and you can’t give up you can’t give up you can’t give up and… there’s
no time…

this process went from January 29,
2014 until… well, Now.

I cannot believe it is July 4th.

little bits at a time, I’ve picked up pieces of “Normal” and added them to my days. I go in and out of the bubble. usually on weekends. the bubble is where my mother still is because she’s
recovering. it’s a long and difficult road. that bubble included a surgery and a month of therapy, most of which I was present for. then a total hip replacement surgery when the first one failed and another two months plus of therapy. she is finding that taking steps now isn’t so easy. standing still is. Life changed….

my mind stays in the bubble a lot… my Life has attempted to be outside of it…

I am moving.

I am standing still.

I am supposed to be receiving David’s personal effects soon from the family… there have been phone calls and texts about this. and then I realize that part isn’t over… it got shelved when I wasn’t ready to make peace with it… and it makes me feel like there’s no air…. like taking steps isn’t enough, that I’m supposed to start running. I have to run and I have to do it with this bubble now because that’s my Life now, too, and I have to be still… and if I start all of these things at once, I’m going to really notice that Life changed and I’m
not ready.

my parents changed and my child changed, because he also had to… and my relationships with old friends and new friends shifted into something I don’t understand yet because I’m only just noticing it through the bubble while I am trying to do Forward….. because they were all also trying to do Forward for their own reasons… and those motions just haven’t crossed in a long time…

one of my “normal” things has been watching Orange is the New Black when I work out. I have heard Regina Spektor sing “You’ve Got Time” on countless occasions by now…

this morning, after sending off an email about finalizing David’s belongings… that song unexpectedly popped into my head, but different and slower… because it’s a sad song really. but it’s about Life. and then I burst into tears while walking my dogs. because… she’s right. Everything is different. the bubble is too full. and standing still is hard.

but I DON’T have time…

*******

"The animals, the animals
Trapped, trapped, trapped ‘till the cage is full
The cage is full
Stay awake
In the dark, count mistakes
The light was off but now it’s on
Searching the ground for a bitter song
The sun is out, the day is new
And everyone is waiting, waiting on you
And you’ve got time
And you’ve got time

Think of all the roads
Think of all their crossings
Taking steps is easy
Standing still is hard
Remember all their faces
Remember all their voices
Everything is different
The second time around”

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hAyFRgdjKU8

"Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"

last Wednesday morning, January 29th, I dreamed a beautiful dream…

I was three giant tiers up, in a theatre that was… neither inside nor outside… a bit of both maybe. it was a lovely combination of an old fashioned opera house and a Greek amphitheater… the stage was also massive. a full band, with an orchestra, playing music with unbelievable instruments… instruments I have never seen in reality… they played a song that seemed to resonate inside my heart and mind, like an old song I had heard a long time ago and forgotten that I had forgotten.

I don’t know why I was so high up in the audience… it was a perfect spot, but there were no other people in the theatre.

at a crucial point in the song, the stage itself became like… like a membrane… organic and alive… it curled up like so many enormous petals on a lotus, and it enveloped the inhabitants of the stage. the song never stopped, but the sound changed… the lotus membrane was suddenly full of fluid that looked like water… and I wondered not only how the players continued to play but also how they could breathe… but the music was so beautiful I forgot to worry…

as the music played on inside of this “pool,” I saw that colors would appear and the fluid itself would jump up as if alive… above the players in the membrane lotus pool… the fluid formed shapes with colors and lights… like a dance… like a ballet.. in perfect sync with the music…. the fluid shapes and colors WERE the music… like whale song, dolphin song, an “Ode to Joy” by an alien choir of sounds human ears have never heard… a language no one knows… a dream embraced in bliss…

I looked to my left suddenly, and David was next to me… just watching and enjoying as I was…

he said, “it is so beautiful… isn’t it?”

"yes… it is. incredibly beautiful."

and he put out his right hand, palm
up. and I put my left hand in his…

he smiled and he said, “I love you. always remember that.”

"I love you, too."

the band played on…


…..

four and a half hours later, my phone rang. and I knew… I knew.

"Margot, I don’t even know how to tell you… David died this morning…"

….

maybe it was just a dream. maybe it was more.

it was a very beautiful moment that I recall in my mind’s eye so vividly, it may as well have been real.

so I will keep it.

I will remember.


*******

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

-J.K. Rowling

it had hit me quite hard today…

I have had a child of my own that I raised myself. I have bought and paid for several vehicles. I pay rent. I buy groceries. I cook. I keep a good job and have insurance. I pay bills all by myself.

… and I didn’t really feel like an adult until today. 

today I had to begin planning the funeral for a parent. 

my soul feels ancient and heavy…,

it had hit me quite hard today…

I have had a child of my own that I raised myself. I have bought and paid for several vehicles. I pay rent. I buy groceries. I cook. I keep a good job and have insurance. I pay bills all by myself.

… and I didn’t really feel like an adult until today.

today I had to begin planning the funeral for a parent.

my soul feels ancient and heavy…,

FeralEva lives somewhere between Black No. 1 and Pace is the Trick.
Black is the Trick.
a total mess, indeed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfEDx-cK1sI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFwYJYl5GUQ

FeralEva lives somewhere between Black No. 1 and Pace is the Trick.

Black is the Trick.

a total mess, indeed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfEDx-cK1sI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFwYJYl5GUQ

“I have no right to call myself one who knows. I was one who seeks, and I still am, but I no longer seek in the stars or in books; I’m beginning to hear the teachings of my blood pulsing within me. My story isn’t pleasant, it’s not sweet and harmonious like the invented stories; it tastes of folly and bewilderment, of madness and dream, like the life of all people who no longer want to lie to themselves.”
― Hermann Hesse, Demian
eyecrosscross:

Gahhh, this looks a LOT like my migraine auras.

eyecrosscross:

Gahhh, this looks a LOT like my migraine auras.

it’s October. let’s be “scary”…..

some things that have to do with “scary”….

I have cracked my head open. not once. twice. I have seen a small peek at my own skull. not really rad. both events happened before I was 4. and I remember both vividly.

I have been in a house fire. and thought I was loosing people in said fire that I’ve been losing slowly ever since.

I saw one of the people I loved most in the world die a death I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

I have almost drowned at least three times. like, solid, almost drowning, really messed up situations.

I watched someone I love go through DTs for hours in an ER. just the two of us. i won’t go through that again.

I saw my childhood dog almost destroyed by another dog. almost. he lived. it was traumatic though.

I thought I might have been watching my son die. twice. once just after he was born. the second time back in March of this year. those moments scared me more than anything ever.

the opposite of all these things… and I think we have to remember that just MAYBE the good stuff would go quite unnoticed if hard and ugly life things didn’t also happen…

the sun is beautiful.

it’s amazing that the sky is not just blue, but so many colors at times.

nature just does it’s thing all year long… animals migrate and change… trees die and come back… ants do… whatever ants do…. stars burn for millions and billions of years….

my heart beats and I don’t have to think about it.

tiny, gorgeous moments happen every minute, every day… all the time. you just have to be present and notice.

….

if life were not so fragile… so damned scary… I might not have ever noticed how beautiful it is. because it is both all the time…

and the entire process renews itself constantly. no matter what our little trials and tribulations are. no matter what we believe or don’t.

if this seems weird or too much to have said…. maybe YOU needed to read it.

thats-ri-god-damn-diculous:

catschemicalromance:

owmeex:

Horses With Better Hair Than You

why does this only have 7 notes

maybe it’s neighbelline

futurejournalismproject:

Delete Yourself From Web Services With JustDelete.me
JustDelete.me is a directory that allows you to permanently remove yourself from different web services such as Facebook, PayPal, Amazon, etc. 
Why can’t you just go to the listed sites on your own and delete yourself that way, you ask? It’s not that easy. 
A lot of sites have dark patterns — interfaces created to trick users into agreeing to terms they otherwise wouldn’t — and JustDelete.me is designed to work around those patterns.
For example, Facebook’s Account Settings menu only offers people the option to deactivate their accounts, so many think that it’s not possible to completely delete themselves from the site; the “Delete Account” button can only be found if you hunt it down. With JustDelete.me, you can click the Facebook link and be taken directly to the “Delete Account” page without all the hassle.
JustDelete.me even color codes web services by how difficult it is to delete yourself from each site, with green being the easiest, and black being impossible. (Good luck deleting yourself from Craigslist.) 
Image: Screenshot of JustDelete.me

futurejournalismproject:

Delete Yourself From Web Services With JustDelete.me

JustDelete.me is a directory that allows you to permanently remove yourself from different web services such as Facebook, PayPal, Amazon, etc. 

Why can’t you just go to the listed sites on your own and delete yourself that way, you ask? It’s not that easy. 

A lot of sites have dark patterns — interfaces created to trick users into agreeing to terms they otherwise wouldn’t — and JustDelete.me is designed to work around those patterns.

For example, Facebook’s Account Settings menu only offers people the option to deactivate their accounts, so many think that it’s not possible to completely delete themselves from the site; the “Delete Account” button can only be found if you hunt it down. With JustDelete.me, you can click the Facebook link and be taken directly to the “Delete Account” page without all the hassle.

JustDelete.me even color codes web services by how difficult it is to delete yourself from each site, with green being the easiest, and black being impossible. (Good luck deleting yourself from Craigslist.) 

Image: Screenshot of JustDelete.me