the truth is, I really haven’t been sad. not for months. there’s no time for it.
when David died, the world stopped for a bit… or rather, there was this bubble around me… and anything close enough to me or my life slowed down dramatically for a few weeks.
I was really sad. and I was overwhelmed in a way that was new. death of a parent. and not just a death… it was very heartbreaking and tragic… one of those deaths you knew was creeping closer all the time, but you didn’t know when the shit would actually hit the fan… so you kept taking steps. kept doing Life. and then It happens, and you have to stand still for a bit. and while you stand still, you vaguely notice the little things about how Life isn’t what your normal day-to-day has dictated… it’s bigger. it’s heavier. you feel how your insides must be a space where black holes are born and Big Bangs happen… it’s too big in there. and suddenly the world is what’s small, and you’re lost in your own inner-ness. standing still. floating. helpless. gravity is a shrinking ball that’s very far away…
then you SNAP back into Life like a rubberband that got launched forward… job. bills. walk dogs. clean. laundry. shop. things. because you have to.
five weeks after David died, my mother broke her hip. she is too young for this. she is also too small and too frail. she has been moving and taking steps for years and years on end. family members dying, family falling apart, Life things that demand attention, Care-taker mode always. stay moving stay moving stay moving… don’t stop because all of these things are hard and unhappy and hurt… then her hip breaks. she is standing still. no choice. and I am an only child, and now I have to stand still, too. and now we are both in the bubble. and it’s so much bigger in the bubble than it is anywhere else. the black holes start again and Life isn’t normal… not even close. the previous heartbreak of losing a parent now has to be shelved, even before it can be determined what to do with it… there’s no time for mourning. now there’s an emergency. and different worry. and a different sadness… one that can’t be shown because you have to be hopeful and positive because the attitude is going to be key now and just like this run-on sentence you have to find a way to move forward again even though you’re really still in that bubble but if you can just keep your mind focused on a forward motion maybe Forward will happen because what choice is there and you can’t give up you can’t give up you can’t give up and… there’s
this process went from January 29,
2014 until… well, Now.
I cannot believe it is July 4th.
little bits at a time, I’ve picked up pieces of “Normal” and added them to my days. I go in and out of the bubble. usually on weekends. the bubble is where my mother still is because she’s
recovering. it’s a long and difficult road. that bubble included a surgery and a month of therapy, most of which I was present for. then a total hip replacement surgery when the first one failed and another two months plus of therapy. she is finding that taking steps now isn’t so easy. standing still is. Life changed….
my mind stays in the bubble a lot… my Life has attempted to be outside of it…
I am moving.
I am standing still.
I am supposed to be receiving David’s personal effects soon from the family… there have been phone calls and texts about this. and then I realize that part isn’t over… it got shelved when I wasn’t ready to make peace with it… and it makes me feel like there’s no air…. like taking steps isn’t enough, that I’m supposed to start running. I have to run and I have to do it with this bubble now because that’s my Life now, too, and I have to be still… and if I start all of these things at once, I’m going to really notice that Life changed and I’m
my parents changed and my child changed, because he also had to… and my relationships with old friends and new friends shifted into something I don’t understand yet because I’m only just noticing it through the bubble while I am trying to do Forward….. because they were all also trying to do Forward for their own reasons… and those motions just haven’t crossed in a long time…
one of my “normal” things has been watching Orange is the New Black when I work out. I have heard Regina Spektor sing “You’ve Got Time” on countless occasions by now…
this morning, after sending off an email about finalizing David’s belongings… that song unexpectedly popped into my head, but different and slower… because it’s a sad song really. but it’s about Life. and then I burst into tears while walking my dogs. because… she’s right. Everything is different. the bubble is too full. and standing still is hard.
but I DON’T have time…
"The animals, the animals
Trapped, trapped, trapped ‘till the cage is full
The cage is full
In the dark, count mistakes
The light was off but now it’s on
Searching the ground for a bitter song
The sun is out, the day is new
And everyone is waiting, waiting on you
And you’ve got time
And you’ve got time
Think of all the roads
Think of all their crossings
Taking steps is easy
Standing still is hard
Remember all their faces
Remember all their voices
Everything is different
The second time around”